Monday, January 25, 2010

Vodka Anyone?

There is something you need to know, in the event that you do not have this information, allow me to enlighten you…..

Children have a boundless sense of entitlement. When they are in the womb, they take every bit of nutrient they need from your body. If you are lacking a vitamin, they will take it from your bones. Once they are born, they will suck the life right out of your tit, only to shit and vomit it back up on you later. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that will not change as they get older. Sure they don't feed from your tit literally but they sure will suck the hell out of your bank account. The vomiting thing still happens occasionally when it is at the worst time possible. Say when you are scheduled to go out of town or you have a birthday.
When they get older they want the newest and the best of all things, only to cast it aside later as if it were worthless. Then there you are scratching your head wondering what the hell you bought that useless piece of crap for anyway….Ten days later, they will want the newest version of the "nothing" they already have. Looking for more ways to spend your money, they will not even offer up a thank you for your efforts making dinner. Chances are they will say, "Chicken again? Can we go out to eat?"
When they are teens, they spend their time trying to grow up and get away from you. Make no mistake, that little thing that sucked the nutrients out of your body, will continue to age you well past your good years. You will spend countless nights awake wondering if you are doing the right thing, making the right choices, giving too much/not enough. It is a horror- There is no doubt that there will be screams and tears, and that is YOUR part. No matter how different you swore you would be, or how cool you think you are, you will be the biggest dork your child has ever seen. No amount of hip speak or cool gadgets will make you anything less than an embarrassment to your child.

With all this said, you may think I have the worst children in the world. Well that is far from the case. They are magnificent, intelligent, loving and kind-when they are asleep! I kid, I kid. They all have the moments, when they look at you, and you know that you are blessed to have them in your life! I will tell you something though, the peace corps got it wrong. Parenthood is the toughest job you will ever love. So here's to my fellow parents feeling my pain.

So in closing- I will steal a line from a great man, "Every one hold your drinks up high and say- FUCK PARENTHOOD!"

No comments:

Post a Comment