Thursday, September 26, 2013
I have been avoiding posting for quite some time. I really don't have anything positive to say. Whatever adhesions/female problems related to my previous ENDO that have been going on have really taken a toll on me. It is exhausting both physically and mentally. I know I don't have problems as severe as some people do. But my entire life has been effected by this. I feel so sad that I am not able to do normal things. That I can't exercise and I feel so out of shape. I am so depressed that I am not able to do fun things with my family. A good day is getting out of the house for a few hours and NOT feeling like the pain is going to kill me. I have pain medication and sometimes it works. Lately most of the time it just takes the edge off and I have to lay under my heating pad savior. I can't keep this face on for much longer. I am jealous and getting bitter that my life is confined to my house. Then I feel guilty that my family is so kind to me that they want to adjust plans to try and accommodate me. Especially when most of the time I ruin all outings. I don't want to fall down this hole, but I don't know how much longer I can hang on. I just really need something to give...
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
I feel awful today. Not much different than any other day that this stupid pain resurfaces. But the pain I feel pales in comparison to the sheer exhaustion I feel when dealing with people. People who do not understand the situation (former endometriosis - possibly current - almost certainly adhesions. Really don't know what to say, some have suggestions, some know some one who knows someone who had something like that, Did I try to get a hysterectomy because that helps... Sometimes it does not make sense to people how I "look" perfectly fine one day and am in the ER the next. Well, it does not make sense to me either but it does happen! I can spend weeks working out with out incident, and then BAM end up on the floor crying....or hurt so damn bad for so long, the most that I can do is just lay in bed with a heating pad because I am so exhausted. I have really made an effort to expand my routine. Looked for new activities that may make me part of the population, but they are difficult to keep up with. I really do want so much more- I hate feeling like there is something "wrong" with me. Physically, yep, there is. I can't show you a cast or a kitchen knife stuck in my skull, but trust me, it is there. Sadly, when most people try and make me talk to me about it or make me feel better, it just makes everything worse. I feel even more isolated and alone than I did before someone tried to cheer me up. Sometimes I just want to take a vacation away from everything lay on an island someplace and NOT talk about ANYTHING TO ANYONE. I know, I know, WHOMP-WHOMP....Things could be SO MUCH WORSE......But I just needed to vent