Monday, July 29, 2013


I can be a friend to you if we disagree about religion and politics. If we are on opposite sides of a Real Housewives fight, YOU ARE DEAD TO ME! Maybe I need to pick up a book?!

Friday, July 19, 2013

Backhanded Compliment or Medical Observation?

I went to my PM doctor (that is pain management for all of you non-chronic pain sufferers) for a check up and my monthly piss test for refills. Still not an addict or rich from selling pills. Still having the life sucked out of me from my pelvis!!! While getting my vitals the nurse says to me- “You don’t look like you weigh that much!” WOW! REALLY?!!! That is something you said? Like, OUTLOUD? Surprised a bit by this statement I said, “Thanks, I think.”……..”I guess I just carry it well???” To which she responds, “You must be big boned.” Ummmmm- Is that a clinical diagnosis that I can get in writing? I can carry it with me when I have to hunt down an XL or when I go to the beach. LOOK! I CAN WEAR THIS BECAUSE I AM BIG BONED! I have a note from the doctor and everything! Look, I get that you are a thin person and probably don’t have the foggiest idea of what it feels like to step on a scale and have someone standing behind you. If I said- “You look so PRETTY in this picture! You must just photograph well!” I am certain that would leave you wondering if I meant you look hideous in person. If you are someone that is NOT comfortable with the varied appearance of the human body, perhaps you should NOT be in the medical field. I don’t need you to reassure me that I am not actually Jabba-the-hut. Maybe no comment should be the policy here.

I really do not have a thin skin. When the same nurse asked me if I was trying to lose weight, I did not flip shit. She continued to say I was down 6 pounds from last month. Curious, I did not notice. Nice to know! The reality of the situation is something she should be familiar with: Pain = NO EXERCISE! I have not been able to move without pain for years. Pain Management, ALLOWS ME TO MANAGE THE PAIN. Which means, I am more able to exercise. Which means I probably am going to lose weight! (some, anyway!)

Most of the time I think I am just like any woman. I think we all have some insecure feelings about our bodies, no matter what our shape. That I am fine with. Feeling like I can work at something to make me feel better-look better. What I am not fine with is thinking I am some sort of freak show because a nurse says…”You’re not fat, You’re just big boned. “

You know what you can do with that big bone sista?!

Grin and Bear it!

No this is not the title of my own porn production company. It is advice that I am giving and taking. My children unanimously feel like they are not fulfilling my expectations of them. Are they right? Are they wrong? This really is not the point. The point is 1. I must be hard on them. 2. They must feel like they HAVE to make me happy. 3. They need to learn that they HAVE to live their own lives in the way they see fit. 4. They must please themselves- not me!

I am probably too demanding of them. I know that I expect them to do their best every single day with whatever it is they are doing. I expect them to learn from mistakes and keep trying when they fail. These things are pretty much non-negotiable in life-for me. Now, does that mean it HAS to be non-negotiable for them? No. Does it mean if they have a plan that I don't agree with that they are not still wonderful people? Absolutely not! They all have to live for themselves.

Growing up is a difficult enough task without the burden of trying to please someone else all the time. I feel as if the idea that they feel they "aren't making me happy" Is sometimes a cop-out. I seen them make decisions that moms in general would not love-but don't really put a second thought into it-as it is something they WANT (ex. Spending too much money on frivolous things, drinking, dating people that are not good for them. You know your basic late teen/early 20's behavior) They supply this response when discussing life choices. I feel they take my questions meant to provoke conversation as being cross-examined or as a non UN sanction interrogation techinque. I recognize that I do at times come off as harsh or judgmental. But I certainly am not judging them. I had a difficult transition into adulthood and certainly do not consider myself better than they are. Balls, I was working on a divorce by the time I was my oldest child's age. I CERTAINLY am not the poster child for wise young adult choices.

However, I am still holding them accountable for the decisions and chioces they make. Does that mean that I am judging them? I don't think so. But there is merit to the feelings they have. Perhaps my abrupt tone or my desire to know all about their life should be curtailed as they are adults? This is a difficult transistion for all of us and maybe I am making it more difficult for them. I know it is coming from a good place, but maybe it is time for me to "grin and bear it" too?

I Love B for this!

Brittany is so honest and open about her feelings and what she wants from life.  I wish we are were a little bit more like her.  For my role in humanity, I am going to attempt to live without fear.  How that will play out, we will have to see.  But I am going to take one step forward and be fearless-only if for a while!

Today is the first day of the rest of my life...mmmmk!