No this is not the title of my own porn production company. It is advice that I am giving and taking. My children unanimously feel like they are not fulfilling my expectations of them. Are they right? Are they wrong? This really is not the point. The point is 1. I must be hard on them. 2. They must feel like they HAVE to make me happy. 3. They need to learn that they HAVE to live their own lives in the way they see fit. 4. They must please themselves- not me!
I am probably too demanding of them. I know that I expect them to do their best every single day with whatever it is they are doing. I expect them to learn from mistakes and keep trying when they fail. These things are pretty much non-negotiable in life-for me. Now, does that mean it HAS to be non-negotiable for them? No. Does it mean if they have a plan that I don't agree with that they are not still wonderful people? Absolutely not! They all have to live for themselves.
Growing up is a difficult enough task without the burden of trying to please someone else all the time. I feel as if the idea that they feel they "aren't making me happy" Is sometimes a cop-out. I seen them make decisions that moms in general would not love-but don't really put a second thought into it-as it is something they WANT (ex. Spending too much money on frivolous things, drinking, dating people that are not good for them. You know your basic late teen/early 20's behavior) They supply this response when discussing life choices. I feel they take my questions meant to provoke conversation as being cross-examined or as a non UN sanction interrogation techinque. I recognize that I do at times come off as harsh or judgmental. But I certainly am not judging them. I had a difficult transition into adulthood and certainly do not consider myself better than they are. Balls, I was working on a divorce by the time I was my oldest child's age. I CERTAINLY am not the poster child for wise young adult choices.
However, I am still holding them accountable for the decisions and chioces they make. Does that mean that I am judging them? I don't think so. But there is merit to the feelings they have. Perhaps my abrupt tone or my desire to know all about their life should be curtailed as they are adults? This is a difficult transistion for all of us and maybe I am making it more difficult for them. I know it is coming from a good place, but maybe it is time for me to "grin and bear it" too?